Happiness

At the age of 41, I have finally found happiness. That’s not to say I haven’t been happy before in my life, it’s just that now I am genuinely happy with pretty much most of my life.

12-months ago things weren’t so good. I was in a toxic relationship and in a job I didn’t like. Coupled with that, it was at the start of the first Covid lockdown. I knew things were really bad when I would lie in the bath until it went cold, sobbing and wishing I wasn’t here anymore. I didn’t wish I was dead, I just didn’t want to exist. I wanted everything to stop. The one thing I really wanted to get away from was myself. But wherever I went, I was there.

Alcohol only made things worse. Sure, I’d get a temporary high and think ‘fuck it’, but it didn’t take long for the low to kick in, and I’d feel like shit again, only the booze would make it feel 10 times worse. And there were the times I would just start crying for no reason. I would cry so hard I couldn’t catch my breath and thought I was choking. But worse than the crying, was the feeling of being utterly alone. When these fugues came over me, I felt like I was the only person in the world. I was screaming inside my own head for someone to help me, but I simply couldn’t ask for help. And it hurt. The sadness and loneliness was a physical pain in my chest.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. Fast forward 12-months and my life is pretty awesome. I admitted to myself I needed help and something wasn’t right. Whatever I was going through, it was bigger than me and I couldn’t cope with it alone. With each ‘episode’ I had, I felt closer to the edge, until it got to the point I was scared what I might do to make it all stop. So first off I spoke to the doctor, who put me on happy pills.

The next step was to get out of the relationship I was in, which was the hardest part of all. I knew I needed something to keep me active and distracted to get through the breakup, so I started a blog and spent nearly every weekend exploring the local area and writing about the places I visited. And it really helped. Researching and planning my weekly trips kept my mind occupied during the week, and going out at the weekends kept me active and got me out of the house.

After a few months, when I felt ready, I started dating again. And that’s when I met Mike. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. Not only is he devilishly handsome, but he constantly makes me laugh (and I’m talking proper belly laughter, the type that makes you cry and your face ache). He is a complete gentleman, does all the manly things around my house, and dotes on me. And it feels like I’ve known him all my life. I can be open with him and tell him anything without fear of retribution or an argument. He’s patient with me when I have an occasional low mood, and he doesn’t get angry with me when I’m being irrational. But that’s enough blowing smoke up his arse.

So at this point I’ve got my happy pills, my blog, and my amazing new fella. The last piece of the happiness puzzle was the job. And that came at the start of this year. I was lucky enough to be offered the best job ever (I won’t bore you with the details), but it was doing what I love and with some awesome ex-colleagues of mine. And I’ve loved every day since I started.

So that brings us to now. I have a job I love and a fella I adore, and I count myself as pretty lucky. I’m still on the happy pills, just to keep things ticking along until I feel strong enough to face life without them. But life is good. I enjoy my life again. Yes, I have the occasional ‘dip’, but those are rare, and most of the time Mike pulls me out of them. We have so many plans for the future, so many adventures to look forward to. 

And so the adventure continues...